I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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