dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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