i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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