I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
this is an emotional support booty call
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
