Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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