I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
