Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
