When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Will exercising make me less horny?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
