when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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