so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
