Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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