oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
