how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
this will be a night to untag.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
