I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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