Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
