Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
