This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
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Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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