I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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