I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
