Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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