At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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