I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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