I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
