well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
