dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
we're making bets on your personal life
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
