Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
