they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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