Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize