Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
