I'm so fucking centered right now
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
