Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
