am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
why do cheetos always look like penises
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How external is "for external use only"?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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