Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
