Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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