Tell her she can't have a vagina
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
