i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
