she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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