Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
