I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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