You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you inspire me to be a worse person
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
