I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
