When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You're a waste of cheezeits
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
