My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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