I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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