if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
