I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
