you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
