My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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