Welp...herpes.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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