just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
