I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
