can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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