I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
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He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
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I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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