I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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