i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
God I need to hump something, right now.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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